02 - Magpies

Superstitions are a pain in the arse. They have a habit of bringing a lot of negatives into focus. I've managed to stay clear of most of them for as long as possible. Break a mirror? You have a bunch of broken mirror to clean up, it won't take you seven years unless you're as lazy as I am. Walk under a ladder? Make sure you don't knock into it and there isn't a lunatic swinging a hammer about above your head. Basically, in these cases, bad things happen if you're doing something risky. It's not "bad luck", it's just an increased chance of an accident. Don't be dumb is the moral of the story.
Of course, being anxiety minded, you tend to look for patterns and routine for comfort. It's a coping mechanism for keeping the train (your brain, though that wasn't meant to be pseudo rhyming slang) on the tracks. Then some prick in the 1700s makes up a stupid rhyme about a group of super intelligent, black and white birds.
Magpies. So it goes, for those unfamiliar:

 One for sorrow, Two for joy. Three for a girl, Four for a boy. Five for silver, Six for gold. Seven for a secret never to be told.

After the bare minimum of research, I've discovered it continues:

Eight for a wish, nine for a kiss. Ten for a bird you should not miss.

 My main issue is with the first two lines. Having an anxious mind can result in spontaneous fuckwittery of epic proportions if you don't keep it in check. So here are a few scenarios and the subsequent thoughts that have crossed my mind in the past when seeing a lone magpie.

• Going to work?

1. The boss is going to randomly turn up and give you a hard time over the smallest of things because that's their job apparently.
2. The shop is going to be a laugh-riot because everyone but you is on holiday and will all want to come into the shop at once.
3. You're going to be late despite leaving at the exact same time you always do.
4. DEATH!

• Coming home?

1. Someone has broken in and stolen all your stuff.
2. The oven/hob was left on and the house is gone.
3. Someone broke in, stole your stuff then set fire to the house as they left.
4. DEATH!

• Going out?

1. You'll embarrass yourself in front of all your friends and all the strangers and will be shunned by society.
2. People will think you're quiet and weird because you'll suddenly forget about interesting stuff to say.
3. You'll drink too much, too fast and will have to go home early. IN SHAME!
4. DEATH!

These are some of the various thoughts I've had as I scan the sky for a second magpie to make it right, but generally looking like I think MI5 are spying on me via satellite. Saying this as someone who had done this for YEARS, it is dumb. The rational part of my brain would quietly whisper that to me at the time and now it just stares, with a smug "I told you so" expression.

Two magpies aren't really much better as they either a) act as a salve for seeing one or b) give you the expectation of something good happening.

Spoiler Warning: Both good stuff and bad stuff with happen to you to varying degrees every day. That's how it is. Some days are better and some days are not. Letting superstition dictate any aspect of your life can severely limit your enjoyment of just experiencing your day.

Well, that was only a little bit patronising. Though if I'd read something like it (though far more eloquent and intelligent) sooner it might have made me actually think about it. One of the benefits of being an introvert is you do a LOT of thinking, though that's also one of the main disadvantages as well. I've found that getting a few directions on how to spring clean your brain can do wonders.

I now have no discernable opinion on magpies, and you are not alone.

But what if you see three? You might get a girl!

Are they going to carry her over, aye?

What if you're busy looking up and bump into them? Like in a movie?

Who even are you? I'd apologise, not make eye contact and dive headfirst into the nearest ditch out of embarrassment.

I can dream.

That's kinda been the issue though, hasn't it?

...

Nothing to add?

DEATH!

Oh, piss off...